“My Kink is Karma” by Chappell Roan came into my life at the exact right moment.
I had been struggling to free myself from an onslaught of post-separation abuse and stalking for over a year at that point, and my abuser had just begun to experience consequences for it as a result of my persistence. That song dispelled the habit of fearful rumination I was caught in and replaced it with visions of triumphant vindication. It instantly became my anthem of the season.
Then I saw the music video, wherein Chappell emerges from scenes of cruel betrayal and emotional violence at the end of a relationship, transformed through fantasy into a figure of gorgeous power, enacting revenge and unabashedly delighting in her ex’s demise. I wanted to embody that. Though I had never even considered doing drag before, suddenly I was completely fixated on the idea of recreating those extravagant scenes myself.
So I got to work scrubbing through each frame with special attention to the makeup and costuming, taking screenshots and making notes. I studied Chappell’s behind-the-scenes TikToks and the several reproductions that came before mine. I watched eyebrow concealment tutorials, scoured vintage blazer listings, and dug through endless pages of Temu tights until I found the collection of items that would make up my version of the look. The end result is a good mix of exact matches and approximations, vintage and new, found and DIY.
This necessitated some exploration into the gender implications of it all. I joked at the time about being “finally trans enough to do drag”– by which I meant, it was gratifying to finally embrace femininity on my own terms, because I felt like it, and separate from the pressure to satisfy societal expectations. For the most part, I found that I felt comfortable wearing things as a costume that I would have resented wearing in any other context, though I couldn’t bring myself to wear the earrings for whatever reason. And I didn’t have to! How wonderful.
Recognizing the many skills that go into creating a drag look that I did not yet have, I did several test runs. I tried layering eyeshadow pigments in different ways, practiced applying rhinestones to my face, and overlined my lips for the first time ever. I spent a frustrating afternoon trying to get water-based face paint to blend and then discovered the magic of the oil stick. Lots of trial and error.
I applied artificial nails with little adhesive tabs, wore them around the house, and ensured that I could remove them easily. I opted for a lesbian manicure because I lacked the bravery and fortitude to do almost any task with those things on every finger. I picked up my guitar to try to understand how Dolly Parton does it, and I couldn’t figure it out.
A few pieces needed some customization. I glued rhinestones to the false nails and gave them a clear coat. My old pleaser heels also got the rhinestone treatment, though I made no attempt at accuracy and chose to add circle-As instead of hearts. Because they’re mine and I can!
I laser cut a cardboard template that I used to symmetrically mark all the places I intended to add gold dome studs of various sizes to a vintage peplum leopard print blazer. Many hours spent with the needle-nose pliers.
I found what I believed was the exact necklace Chappell wears, without the hearts– verified by spotting the necklace sans-hearts in an earlier video of hers. So I modified it in the way I’m assuming she also did, with charms and jewelry wire.
The horns were designed and 3D printed by ChaosCostumes on Etsy. Super lightweight and secured by a translucent elastic string instead of a headband, so they were a good option for my hairstyle.
I found a bra that fit me well in the correct shade of red, stitched on some little bows I made out of satin ribbon, and stuck on what I believe are the exact sequin tassel pasties Chappell used. I found a match for the red satin opera gloves and hemmed them. I got sheets of adhesive rhinestones to stick all over my body that I will continue to find scattered around my home for years to come.
No wig or hair changes, and I still wore my glasses, because I wanted this to be me in sexy devil clown drag, not me in Chappell Roan drag, y’know?
Knowing that I ultimately wanted to recreate and record scenes from the music video, I also designed and lettered this backdrop on my chalkboard featuring lyrics from the song.
The day when it all finally came together, I spent about 4 and a half hours on my makeup! A truly inconceivable amount of time, and over an hour longer than Chappell said it took her. Big trust-the-process moment for me, as just about every unfinished step looked terrifying in a new way.
When all that was done, I got to spend the rest of the day playing the song on repeat, recreating choreography from the music video and singing at the top of my lungs, which felt as cathartic and celebratory as I hoped it would. So much so that I created the ensemble a second time to fill in a few clips I missed and then head out for a Halloween party.
There exists a full length version featuring a gratuitous three minutes and fifty-one seconds of me looking hot, but I’ll leave you with the highlights. I learned Adobe Premiere Pro for this!
When it came time to celebrate my abuser getting fully run out of town a couple months later, I knew exactly which cake I had to make.
I’ve had conflicted feelings about exploring my experience of abuse publicly. A lot of the common advice about coping with post-separation stalking encourages feigning an unbothered attitude and emotionally distancing yourself however you can, lest you allow your stalker the satisfaction of dominating your attention. Doing so can feel invalidating of the actual lived experience of being stalked, and contribute to an air of secrecy and stigma around these things. Openly reveling in the joy of surviving meant acknowledging that it felt like I might not for a very long time, that I nearly didn’t, and that I will never know if it’s permanently over. And despite that, or perhaps because of that, it’s worth embracing the victory.
